What is Postpartum Rage?
- Alexandria Travis
- 3 days ago
- 15 min read
Updated: 17 hours ago
Three months after my baby was born, I felt desperate, confused, and alone in my postpartum rage. Hopeful for a sense of direction, I looked for answers online. Instead, what I found were fellow moms that felt ashamed and "resources" that—I knew from professional experience—both misinformed and misdirected blame.
The more I reached out directly to moms (both online and in-person) the more I learned that, dare I say, most moms have experienced postpartum and/or mom rage.
So then why hadn't I heard about it? Why were all the resources not quite right? Why were numerous moms telling me that when they sought out professional help all they received were prescriptions to medications and vague advice with an air of judgment to work on "managing their anger" better?
Because, as I came to find out, woven into the fabric of our personal and cultural beliefs is an internal and external shame placed on women since girlhood for feeling angry. And this shame keep us silenced and disconnected as mothers who are struggling.
As I continued my personal journey with postpartum rage, while applying my professional backgrounds in mental health and biochemistry, I’ve come to learn a few life-saving concepts that I wish more people knew about postpartum and mom rage:
Here are 5 questions I searched for in the depths of my postpartum rage, with far more honest and accurate answers that I wish I had found back then.
1. What is the difference between anger and rage?
Rage should not be treated as anger.
Every resource I found treated my rage as though I was angry. However, rage is not the same as anger. Therefore it should not be expected to be "cured" through traditional anger management techniques. (Rather, anger management skills can be a supplemental support for rage.)
Rage represents a deep terror, a final act of self-preservation, a plea for survival. The mom who rages needs to be treated with the intention and care of someone pushed to that point. Giving a mother coping skills and teaching her to identify her triggers does not cover the whole picture.
Her triggers are often much deeper than what is presented. For example, she may be told that she is simply "overstimulated", made to feel as though her personal issue and solution is to either expand her capacity or remove sensory stressors—implying that her rage is a very big reaction to a seemingly simple personal problem. However, her big reaction is proportional to the depths at which she feels (and to an extent is) trapped, exploited, extracted from, and left with no will of her own. All of which can be pretty terrifying to any human body, let alone one that is tasked with protecting and caring for the life of a baby.
Postpartum and mom rage in particular also occur as natural responses to physiological and neurological changes from pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, chronic stress, and lack of proper nutrition in which to support these states. There are quantitative factors, from amygdala activation to high levels of cortisol and prolactin and low levels of estrogen, that clearly indicate rage as something one would expect a mother to feel postpartum.
This is without the heightened circumstances of mothering in isolation (as most modern mothers do, as having a partner or a few helping hands is not enough biologically), without proper and specific postpartum nutrition and medical care, and all the other situations that most modern mothers are in, simply for being a modern mother.
Her entire system: her physiology, neurology, nervous system, etc. are all sending signals that would easily and unconsciously cause her resort to rage as an expression of desperation. Which means, her behaviors are not the result of her simply feeling angry, lacking anger management skills, or displaying what our culture sees as a moral failing by expressing anger. Her rage is a manifestation of biological responses that is actually completely rational, accurate, and proportional to her real-life experience.
The worst someone can do for a mother with postpartum/mom rage is react to her behavior the way we as a society tend to react to anger: with defensiveness, shame, villainizing, or withdrawal. And honestly, we shouldn't be reacting to people who display anger this way either. But the main takeaway to this question is to see the physical, mental, and emotional desperation beneath postpartum/mom rage, rather than seeing a mother who is angry and unable to control herself.
Receive 1:1 support with IFS Coaching for Mothers from Rage Mama. Work directly with fellow mother and author of this article, Alex Travis.
2. Why am I so angry all the time after having a baby?
First and foremost: postpartum rage is not a "you" problem.
It's easy to feel like postpartum rage is your fault, especially when partners, family, online resources, and even professionals frame your rage as such. But I'm here to tell you: mom rage is not a "you" problem.
Mom rage is a symptom of mothering within a system that actively works against the nature, efforts, and wills of a mother.
The mother is not to blame, her situation is. Just because we see mothering in the modern world as normal, does not mean that it is, nor does it mean that mothers are failing by responding to these conditions with feelings of anger, ambivalence, or helplessness.
Mothers often experience postpartum rage due to invisible cultural conditions, such as:
Isolation: Having a partner or a few helping hands is quite literally not enough support to care for the mother-baby dyad at a fundamental, biological level.
Unprocessed birth trauma: Most of the women I talk to will preface their birth story with "it's not like a had a traumatic birth" and proceed to describe a situation that sounds pretty traumatic. Birth trauma is a known factor in negative impacts of maternal health, and very common in the context of modern birthing options/procedures. While processing of this trauma (being given the space and facilitation to process) is not a normalized part of postpartum today.
Re-traumatization from their own babyhood: Many mothers of today were physically and/or emotionally neglected as babies in ways that were normalized in the past, and the subconscious (of both parents) brings up experiences of babyhood during postpartum in attempts to find tools for having a baby of their own.
Lack of care: Inadequate at best, none at worst, medical and nutritional care postpartum. Studies show specific metabolic levels (such as Magnesium) attributing to postpartum mental health symptoms, including rage.
Marital/partner issues and/or abuse: 29% of mothers experience partner abuse from pregnancy to 4 years postpartum. Even when the relationship is not what we would consider obviously abusive, the gendered conditioning of care leads to most mothers being inadequately cared for by their [male] partner postpartum, as well as disproportionately drowning in the work required to care for the baby, compared to their [male] partner, leading to further relational issues as well.
Mothers also experience postpartum rage due to physiological conditions such as extreme sleep deprivation, nutrient depletion, hormone fluctuations, etc.
However, it is important to note that most physiological causes for postpartum rage are directly connected to invisible cultural conditions as well.
For example, chronic sleep deprivation is a natural part of postpartum that over-activates the amygdala, leading to a hyperactivity in threat detection as well as increased emotional deregulation. However, to the extent in which modern mothers are sleep deprived may be normalized, but is not actually normal to the human body. humans are biologically developed to live communally. Evidence shows many past and current hunter-gatherer communities share breastfeeding duties, leading to more sleep support for mothers, alongside the added sleep support of instinctual co-sleeping versus the more recently constructed infant-separated sleep.
Although societal and physiological effects should be seen as root causes for feeling angry postpartum, and therefore systematic change should be the prioritized solution (i.e. adequate dual parental leave), given the current context, it is important to understand that the mother is just as responsible as those in her personal system (her partner, family, friends, community, etc.) for supporting her to the point where her body no longer feels the need to rage in order to get her needs (and that of the baby) met.
3. How do I deal with postpartum rage?
Support, or lack thereof, has one of the biggest influences on mom rage.
Support makes or breaks a mother. A mother who is breaking down, and who's body is resorting to rage as a cry for help, is typically a result of lack of support.
One big, underlying cause of postpartum rage is the fact that we no longer live how we are intended to biologically: in community, with real communal-based structures and values.
Babies come into this world completely unprepared for how we live in modern times. Their needs are 100% biologically-wired, while being 100% dependent on others to care for them. This makes the mother's needs to support herself and her baby deeply biological—and our deeply biological needs have no regard for modern life.
Contrary to popular belief, mothers are only designed to spend around 30% of their time with their children. Even while breastfeeding. This fluctuates depending on how young the infant is (for example, an 8 month old baby might be expected to be cared for by their mother 50% of the time) but it is important to understand that there is a huge gap in care that is biologically expected to be handled by a group of people. In the past and in certain current societies, this included fellow mothers, elders, and older children. In modern times, that gap in care falls almost completely on the mother, making her a virtually 100% caretaker of a baby who's needs fall outside of modern demands, and is dependent on someone taking care of them all of the time, around the clock.
You may be thinking...
What is the dad's role during postpartum?
Note: I give the context of heterosexual partnerships because that’s where these particular issues are most prominent.
Studies show that women are no more "natural caretakers" than men. Fathers go through physiological and neurological changes that promote caretaking abilities, alongside mothers undergoing their own. The difference is, these changes in men are based on the way men show up. Meaning, men need to choose to step up in order to biologically become a father. Whereas women become mothers due to both biological and social circumstances, and are only shown to be more "naturally" nurturing depending on their experience of gendered expectations and the extent at which she has to "pick up the slack" of the father's level of active parenting.
Living in modern times, the partner's role during postpartum is absolutely crucial: for the mother's well-being, for the baby's well-being, and even for his own (men who are active fathers show higher levels of life fulfillment).
Even so, it is imperative to understand that even with an active, supportive partner, there is still a gap in the care needed to biologically support the mother-baby dyad.
What mothers need is the real, raw, day-in and day-out support of many—including that of an active parenting partner, if present.
In today’s individualistic society mothers get scraps of community, even when they're lucky enough to have family support, afford help, or are able to expend energy cultivating and maintaining connection with community.
What I recommend to expectant parents (or to the supporting members of new parents if they're already at that point) is to make their "village" as soon as possible, and to not assume their current support system is their "village".
A village would ideally have a mix of mothers/parents who are in the same phase of life, as well as people who do not have young children who have flexible schedules and are physically accessible (i.e. retired family member or friend who works from home), and even older children (i.e. hiring or recruiting a "mother's helper"). A village can also include distant support such as someone willing to pay for/send food delivery or a fellow mother who feels safe to talk to over the phone or via voice memos. Keep in mind the non-proximity or "virtual village" does not meet foundational needs the same way a physical village would, and to focus on the physical village as the priority even when it can be challenging or uncomfortable in today's individualistic world.
Receive 1:1 support with IFS Coaching for Mothers from Rage Mama. Work directly with fellow mother and author of this article, Alex Travis.
4. Why am I angry at my husband postpartum?
Husbands may not always be directly to blame, but gender socialization is.
Note: I give the context of heterosexual partnerships because that’s where these particular issues are most prominent.
Relationships may have little to no issues regarding gender socialization or expectations before having children, and still get completely rocked by invisible gender issues once the couple becomes parents.
50/50 relationships or equitable relationships are much more feasible before having children for a couple of reasons:
Having children creates stark biological differences in gender that weren't there before. Most notably, the experiences, symptoms, and implications of pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and breastfeeding.
Societal structures skewing caretaking responsibilities onto mothers: maternal leave being more common/longer than partner leave, men are perceived as more committed and responsible in the workplace when becoming fathers, often receiving bonuses and promotions, while women are seen as more incombered, distracted, and less reliable as mothers, etc., leading to trickle-down effects of mothers becoming not only the primary parent, but often the default parent, regardless of if they are in the primary role.
Gendered socialization that started well before the couple became parents, well before they even became adults, suddenly rises to the surface when caretaking becomes an all-encompassing task with the arrival of a baby.
Gendered socialization tends to be the dark horse that couples often don't see coming when transitioning from partnership to parent-partnership. Here's a look at how couples often get here:
In patriarchal societies, boys are socialized to avoid emotions, both within themselves, as well as the emotions of others. They are taught that repressed emotions are only validly externalized through anger, violence, and sex, and that any other expression is a sign of weakness. They are expected to show up in the world as strong. Therefore, they never develop or progress their ability to notice, assess, and support the emotional states of others—a necessary part of caretaking.
Whereas, in patriarchal societies, girls are socialized to notice, personalize, and act on everyone’s emotions. They are taught that their inherent role is to be responsible for everyone's emotions and try to make everyone's lives easier carrying the burden of other people's emotional needs for them. But when it comes to their own emotions, they are expected to only express positive feelings. They are expected to show up in the world as pleasant. As far as negative feelings, expressing them would make them a burden to others, which is not an option, as it defeats the whole point of their role of making other people's lives easier.
Although these differences in socialization (not biology), may show up in small or even invisible ways in the couple's lives—maybe he doesn't always attempt, complete, or successfully perform a household task and she's the one to pick up the slack, maybe she's the one to focus on self-reflection after an argument and lead the conversation to resolution, maybe he doesn't realize his less-than-ideal-behaviors are excused/accepted because she focuses on understanding where he is coming from emotionally over her own experience, etc.—these differences do not play out well when a woman and man have a baby together.
For a woman, absorbing the emotions (and even potential emotions) of others, and catering to them at the expense of her own might have been a once manageable (yet chronically stress-inducing) situation, but postpartum it becomes impossible.
Her baby is completely dependent on her. She doesn’t have the village she biologically needs to care of them. She inevitably comes to find that she can no longer push her own needs aside while sustaining the needs of her child(ren), while potentially also being expected to cater to the needs of other people in her life as well, including her partner.
She looks to her partner. But her partner is drowning, sinking, withdrawing, withholding, and possibly even angry, resentful, and disappointed toward her.
Why do men struggle postpartum?
Mothers are the ones physiologically experiencing postpartum, with all the recovery, intense hormone fluctuations, typically worse-off sleep deprivation, the monumental toll of breastfeeding, and extreme symptoms that come along with all of it. So why are fathers often not capable of supporting mothers while they support the baby, and are needing him most?
Though there are physiological and personal reasons why this happens (I'd love to dive into men's postpartum depression in a future article), the short-hand, generalized gendered socialization explanation for this is because his learned instinct is to avoid big needs, emotions, and suffering...And he's been able to go through life able to do so because that was always the women’s job. But now, in the darkest hour, it is his.
This leads many mothers to experience partners who respond to their call to caretake by diminishing what she goes through, turning the table and blaming her for her own suffering, shutting down and shutting out, running away, reacting with anger and/or violence, and/or pressure/demands for sex (as mentioned above, these being the "acceptable" outlets for men's big emotions)—anything to not have to hold responsibility of care: of letting other people’s emotional struggle in, while he’s trying so hard to escape his own.
67% of couples report feeling unsatisfied in their relationship during the first 3 years of becoming parents. That's 2 out of 3 couples. It's important to understand that although parent-partner issues can be attributed to differences in gender socialization playing out in an extreme circumstance (extreme being from lack of sleep, isolation, and other factors), the implications of these issues on each individual couple/mother vary.
As mentioned earlier, postpartum women are most likely to experience partner abuse. On the other end of the spectrum, you may hear the experiences of women who fall in the 1 out of 3 couples who retain relationship satisfaction during postpartum. Only viewing these two ends of the spectrum leads to many women in the middle to feel both pressure and shame to make a life-altering decision that may not actually be relevant to their personal situation: the decision between ending the marriage/relationship or choosing to "settle" and "put up with" the harmful emotional behaviors forever (or indefinitely).
However, there is another path (and of course innumerous nuanced paths) I see often, that does not get spoken about enough, that goes more like this:
The couple faces the extremes of postpartum, they are not their best selves, they are both struggling in their own ways, they harbor and express negative feelings and behaviors toward each other, the mother may be more visibly struggling dealing with lack of support as well as marital issues, the father may be internally facing what feels like an impossible level of emotional distress while externally letting down his partner, as the baby grows so does each parent on an individual level, once the baby is less dependent there is more room to function as parent-partners, then the space becomes available to begin repairing the broken trust and relational pain from the postpartum period, and finally the couple can re-integrate themselves into a romantic relationship as two new people forged from the trials they faced individually and relationally postpartum.
Receive 1:1 support with IFS Coaching for Mothers from Rage Mama. Work directly with fellow mother and author of this article, Alex Travis.
5. How common is postpartum rage?
More common than advertised.
Unfortunately, there is currently not a lot of screening for postpartum rage. According to a study on mother and infant sleep quality and maternal anger postpartum, 31% of moms experience postpartum rage. Keep in mind, that’s a large number that’s only taking into account 1 specific factor of postpartum rage.
Given all of the other factors we touched on in this article, it’s likely the true percentage of mothers who experience postpartum rage, regardless of why, is higher than 1 in 3.
Since starting Rage Mama, I have talked with countless mothers extensively. And from what I've found, I'd say the majority of moms have experienced postpartum and/or mom rage, yet shame keeps us silent, disconnected, and disempowered.
All the insights I've previously touched on, and more, are reasons mothers feel ashamed in their rage:
Postpartum/mom rage is misunderstood as a personal failing and sole undertaking.
Moms are isolated in what they go through, while also locked out of the first-hand experience and passed-down wisdom of motherhood that would be woven within tight communities.
The way women are conditioned based on their gender makes them feel incapable, weak, and villainized in their rage.
Shame keeps mothers feeling small, disconnected, and disempowered. It isn’t a coincidence so many moms feel this, and it’s not by accident.
Mom rage is real, valid, and a natural response to mothering in today's world. It makes sense. Your rage is pointing to deeper, larger issues that affect us all. Accepting your rage, working with yourself in love and honesty, and expressing your real experiences with others challenges the cultural systems that keep mothers struggling and alone.
What to do when you have postpartum rage:
I understand the answers to the 5 questions listed above may not be the "quick fix" you're looking for. But as an IFS (Internal Family Systems) Coach for the past 10 years, with a B.S. in Biochemistry and Molecular Biology and understanding the realities of the human experience, I do not believe the "quick fixes" on this topic are fixes at all. Rather, they're a quick, false sense of relief, followed by more shame and more self-blame that the "quick fix" didn't actually fix anything, and therefore it must be your fault.
I do believe the realness within these answers is not only a more accurate approach than the "quick fixes" I came across on my personal journey, but that honesty actually works to lessen the struggle of postpartum rage.
Understanding the truth surrounding your symptoms allows you the space to separate yourself from them. This relief from the additional layers of guilt and shame makes room for ways to move forward, through the rage, working with it, and healing from it, to find self-love, self-acceptance, and the required clarity and momentum for personal, relational, and communal change.
If you'd like to work with me 1:1, for support with postpartum/mom rage and more, I invite you to learn about IFS Coaching for Mothers.
Thank you for supporting a small, mom-owned, and 100% human business by reading this article.
Love, Rage Mama
P.S. Check out this hat I made to destigmatize postpartum rage and show more mothers that we are not alone. <3
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